I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
