I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
