new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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