I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
