Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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