the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
