I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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