so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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