Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
