i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
