There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
