I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
