I must be too annoying 4 u.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
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I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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