I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
