I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
