Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
