I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
