Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
