checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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