my mouth tastes like poor choices
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
