Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
