forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
