i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
