Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
