she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
