Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
