As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
