i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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