We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
