Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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