apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
