So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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