I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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