I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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