woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
