My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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