what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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