Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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