She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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