well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
