There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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