Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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