I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
