Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
