It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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