Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
