My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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