The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
