so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
