Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
