Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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