Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
