I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
