So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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