Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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