Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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