i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
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After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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