wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
