you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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