Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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