i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize
